I'm Still Waiting

Wait
by *Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

A friend posted a link to this on her facebook status, and although her reasons for posting were much different than mine, in thinking about it, I realize that they aren't much different at all. We are both impatient for God to do something in our lives. It doesn't matter what it is, we all seem to be waiting on the next step, the next move for God to make in us.

I have been poked and prodded incessantly for the last few months. I arrived at school earlier this month straight from having yet another sonogram, and just felt down. The sonogram went fine. I had 2 eggs that were ready to release. Good news right? I was just tired of it all, and having to go to work after feeling so gross was just disheartening.

Upon another return to the OBGYN, I found that I had not released 2 eggs, I had released 5. Then Mitch and I had the conversation of "How many is too many?" I don't want to be another John and Kate. I was excited about our chances though.

This weekend, my hopes were squashed again. Yet another round of treatments with no baby on the way. I'm not sad about it. I don't look at others with kids and get jealous. I'm excited about my time, yet I'm still feeling a little impatient. We have put the adoption process to a halt at the moment. Not because we don't want to do it, but the paperwork was more than we thought, and it is so expensive. We definitely plan on getting the paperwork in, it's just been a slower process than I expected. In the meantime, I will continue to be poked with needles, violated by The Wand, and pay the never ending copays and lab fees that come with weekly doctor's visits, not to mention the cost of my prescription and all of the ovulation tests we go through a month.

While it sounds like maybe my spirits are down, I really am fine with it all, I just wish I knew when!

Here are some completely unrelated pictures because everyone loves a good picture. I would like to think that this time in my life is why God made me wait to get married!