My First Time...

This is my first blog ever. (Well, I say that, but I just spent an hour typing this, only to have it erased when I hit the publish button, so I'll try again.) I went to a baby shower today and realized that I am different than all of these women. I guess I've always been different though. In high school, I thought that all of these girls were just too immature. As I grew into myself and met new people in college, I realized that these girls weren't immature. They were in high school, and doing what you should do in high school.
At the time though, I would have done anything to get away from them. I even went so far as to graduate a year early from high school and go to Oklahoma Christian University, where they were sure not to be. (Pleasant Ridge is the birthplace of future ACU alumni.) This was the beginning of my journey of self realization. And what did I realize? That I flee. When I get bored or fed up with my surrounding, I leave and find new ones. I did it in high school, and continued to do so after college. I moved up to Denver, CO straight out of college. Things happened, life changed, and I had to move back to TX. Shortly after that, I move back up to Okahoma and into my youth minister's childhood home. I needed a place to stay, and he needed someone to stay in his place. It worked out perfectly. I was there for about 2 1/2 years, and happy there, but it was hard to find a job. Being an interior designer after 9-11, and especially in OK was difficult. I eventually had to move back to TX. I continued to look for design work here, and really tried to disreguard all of the pressure to become a teacher, but then I was given the opportunity to teach in Africa for a semester. I finally gave in and did what I truely believe my calling has always been. I began to teach. I lived in Africa for 5 months, and took a one month long romp through Europe on my way home. It took me a year to get back on my feet after that, and after 7 years of having lived on my own, I was back at the rents house! That was hard! Now I am in Irving, and although I am fairly settled, it is still hard to fight the urge not to leave again. All of that to say that while I have had a great life, it is hard not to look at these people and realize that I'm the last one.
The "last one" feeling hit me again at the baby shower this morning. You see, as long as Staci was just Staci and Mike, and not Staci and Mike and Baby, I was not yet the "last one." I was the "last one" to figure out my calling. The "last one" to get married. And now the "last one" to have a baby. I have to suffer the stares of people asking "Is she ever going to get married?" I look around me at the shower and see that my life is not like that of the rest of the people here. They have no idea what my life is like, just as I have no idea what theirs is. They all have the same things to share with eachother. I was not married at 20. I don't have any kids. That's what these women know. That's a lot of what defines them. They have a lot in common, and therefore a lot to talk about. There's just so much that someone wants to know about your boyfriend. That subject is now foreign to them. They are long past that stage, and don't understand what it's like to be 25ish (I refuse to move past the age of 25) and single. They don't know what it's like to live in a third world country as a "rich white American." What it's like to travel the world. What it's like to hurt, and have nobody there to share the saddness with. Likewise, I have no idea what it's like to have a house full of children. Or to have to find a babysitter everytime I want to leave the house. At the very least, I have to be home every 24-48 hours to feed the dog. We no longer have anything in common. These women have husbands and children. I'm still waiting on the ring!
As I begin to think about settling down now, I remind myself that that does not mean the end of all things exciting, but rather more people to share these exciting experiences with. You see, these women who I saw this morning are not ahead of me in life. They just chose a differnt path. In choosing to get married and start families at young ages, they chose to give up other life experiences that they could have had. In the same way, I grabbed on to these life experiences with all my might, and have thus postponed the family. Neither path is wrong. They are both equally glorious and painful at the same time. You just have to decide which path makes you happy.